What to reply when you don’t know what to say

Why a simple message can leave you blank

A blank mind in front of a message rarely means there is nothing to say. More often there are too many possible answers, and each one seems to carry a risk: too cold, too eager, too long. The longer the message waits, the more weight the reply seems to need. The first step is to lower the stakes: a reply is one turn in a conversation, not a verdict on the relationship.

Step one: name what the other person shared

Read the message again and ask what it is doing. Is it sharing news, asking a question, making a plan, or simply keeping contact? A reply that answers the wrong thing feels off even when it is well written. When someone shares good news, research on close relationships by Gable and colleagues found that an enthusiastic, interested response is linked to better relationships, while a flat or distracted one is not. So start with their content, not with your own worry about style.

Step two: answer, then add one thing

A reliable structure has three short parts. First, react to what was said: “That sounds like a long week.” Second, answer any direct question plainly. Third, add one thing of your own, such as a detail, a small opinion or a follow-up question. Studies by Huang and colleagues found that people who ask follow-up questions are liked more by their conversation partners, and that most people do not expect this effect. One question is enough; three in a row reads like an interview.

When a short reply is the right reply

Not every message needs a paragraph. A confirmation, a thank-you or a quick reaction can be complete in one line, as long as it clearly closes the loop: “Got it, see you at seven.” A short reply becomes a problem only when the other person has opened a subject and receives nothing to continue with. If you need time, say so: “I want to answer this properly. I will write tonight.” That is a full reply.

Write a rough version first

Type the reply you would send if nobody were judging it, then improve that version instead of waiting for a perfect sentence. Remove the apology for being slow unless the delay really needs one. Remove the second explanation of the same idea. Read it aloud once: if you would not say it to the person’s face, change it.

Where Clutch fits

Clutch is a message studio in development for iPhone. Its Reply ideas tool shows three complete wordings for five everyday situations, to compare tones side by side, and every suggestion can be edited before it is copied. These are wording ideas written in advance, not a reading of the other person’s feelings, and Clutch never sends anything on its own. The app is not on the App Store yet.

Further reading

• Gable, Reis, Impett & Asher (2004), What do you do when things go right? The intrapersonal and interpersonal benefits of sharing positive events, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology
• Huang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson & Gino (2017), It doesn’t hurt to ask: Question-asking increases liking, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology