Clutch · Guides
How to start a conversation by message without sounding forced
Start from something specific and shared, keep the first message short and easy to answer, and take turns. What research says about first contacts, without pick-up lines.
In this guide6
The first message has one job
A first message does not need to be clever. Its only job is to make an answer easy. Messages that try to impress tend to be long, general and hard to answer; messages that work are specific, short and end on something the other person can pick up.
Start from something specific and shared
Look for a concrete detail: a band mentioned in a profile, a photo from a trip, a class you both take, a plan made in a group chat. “I saw you were at the concert on Friday. How was the opening act?” is easier to answer than “Hey, how are you?”, because it shows attention and contains its own subject. If nothing specific exists yet, say honestly why you are writing: “We are in the same course and I wanted to ask how you found the first assignment.”
Take turns instead of performing
In experiments by Sprecher and colleagues, strangers who took turns sharing and listening liked each other more after a first interaction than pairs where one person disclosed at length while the other only listened. A first exchange works the same way in writing: share a little, ask a little, and leave space. A long paragraph about yourself asks the other person to do a lot of reading before they have decided to talk.
The fear is usually bigger than the risk
Two lines of research help with the hesitation. Epley and Schroeder found that people expected a conversation with a stranger to be less pleasant than keeping to themselves, and then reported the opposite when they actually tried it. Boothby and colleagues found that after a first conversation, people tend to underestimate how much the other person liked them. Neither study promises a reply to a particular message, but both suggest that the inner critic is a poor forecaster.
If there is no answer
No reply is not always a refusal; messages are missed, and people are busy. One light follow-up after a few days is reasonable. After that, stop: a second and third reminder changes a friendly first contact into pressure. Respecting silence is part of writing well.
Where Clutch fits
Clutch is a message studio in development for iPhone. Its Message practice tool contains three fictional scenarios, including replying to a playlist and joining a group plan, with three possible replies at each step and an explanation for each; there is no score and nothing leaves the phone. Its Reply ideas tool shows several wordings for a shared interest. The app is not on the App Store yet.
Questions
Is “Hey” a bad first message?
It is not rude, but it gives the other person nothing to answer. Adding one specific detail or question makes a reply much easier.
How long should a first message be?
One to three sentences is usually enough: a specific detail, and a question or remark that is easy to pick up.
How many times can I follow up?
One light follow-up after a few days is reasonable. Beyond that, repeated messages to someone who does not answer become pressure, and it is better to stop.
Further reading
- Sprecher, Treger, Wondra, Hilaire & Wallpe (2013), Taking turns: Reciprocal self-disclosure promotes liking in initial interactions, Journal of Experimental Social Psychology
- Boothby, Cooney, Sandstrom & Clark (2018), The liking gap in conversations: Do people like us more than we think?, Psychological Science
- Epley & Schroeder (2014), Mistakenly seeking solitude, Journal of Experimental Psychology: General
Guides
What to reply when you don’t know what to say
A calm method for the message that leaves you blank: name what the other person shared, answer it, add one thing of your own, and know when a short reply is enough.
How to keep a message conversation going
Follow-up questions, balanced turns and replies that give the other person something to hold: practical habits for written conversations that fade too quickly.
How to apologize by message: the parts that matter most
What a study of apologies found to matter most (owning the mistake and offering to repair it), the words that undo an apology, and when a message is not the right place.
How to say no by message, kindly and clearly
Declining an invitation or setting a limit in writing: why a refusal usually costs less than feared, a three-part structure, and how to respect a no that you receive.
Why written messages get misread, and how to write a clearer one
Writers overestimate how well their tone comes across, and readers tend to read neutral messages as colder than intended. What the research found, and five habits that reduce misunderstandings.
Chat Wrapped: what conversation counts can and cannot show
How Clutch counts a fragment of an exchange on the iPhone, what each number means, why the share card contains no name and no message text, and the limits of reading a relationship in statistics.
How to text someone you haven’t talked to in a while
Why a message after a long silence is appreciated more than people expect, what to write first, how to mention the gap, and what to do if no reply comes.
Write a follow-up message without adding pressure
Make one clear request, distinguish a real deadline from impatience and leave space for the other person to decline.